I’ve struggled with anxiety most of my life, but in the last few years it has really become an issue. I lost a 3-year old daughter, my married fell apart, my oldest son was diagnosed with Leukemia and 2020 took a toll on my financial stability. These extradorinaiy events took the small flame of anxiety in my life and added fuel to fire, till it became an uncontrollable blaze. I started having anxiety attacks, couldn’t think straight and was overwhelmed at the smallest details of everyday life. During the last few years, I’ve tried everything I could think of to help me cope with the high level of anxiety I’ve been facing. I take herbs, go to the gym, practice journaling and tried breathing techniques.
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Fatherhood is circular. One moment you’re the child with a dad and the next you're the father, leading a child. Not soon after that you’re the granddad, staring at your lineage, your inheritance. It happens too quickly, almost like a few bleeps on the radar of life. I have very early memories with my dad, riding on his back, going fishing and taking the family camping. These are fond memories, mixed with excruciating pain. Pain of self-hatred, then pain of depression, confusion and feeling completely lost within myself.
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Spiritual abuse may be more rampant than you think. It’s a type of abuse that happens subtly and under the image of God, making it very difficult to catch at first glance. Aside from that, usually the people being spiritual manipulated, are under the influence of a dynamic leader that has built a toxic environment (groupthink), so much that if someone begins to catch on to the abuse, they will attack themselves - thinking they are the one who is crazy. It’s much more difficult to identify than the other abuses, such as sexual, physical or verbal abuse, because it’s not so overt in orientation or manifestation.
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No regrets. It’s a popular phrase.
People get it tattooed on their body and hang it on their walls, but the longer I’ve lived, the more I hold that phrase with suspicion. Is it humanly possible to live without a single regret? Can we really make choices that are harmful, and at times, downright bad decisions, and not regret them? That’s what’s been rolling around in my mind for a few weeks. Personally, I have regrets and some of them are a very big deal. Regrets that have altered the trajectory of my life. As much as I would like to proclaim that I have no regrets, it’s simply not been my experience.
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I’ve suffered my entire life from depression and anxiety. I’ve been diagnose with Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) and General Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and have had significant ups-and-downs in my 41 years of life. Like a lot of people, I didn’t realize I had an issue because waking up in darkness and heaviness was my norm (since as far back as I can remember)
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I grew up in the church since my earliest memory and I love the church. I appreciate the desire for wholeness, the focus on getting unhealthy patterns and mindset under control and living a life of service to God and others. Yet, there is one aspect that I see as a major set-back when it comes to dealing with mental health. Too often, it’s over-spiritualized (it’s a real word, I checked), leaving people with a stronger sense of guilt, self-doubt and isolation.
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Loneliness is at unprecedented highs. We have more digital connection, more friends than ever, yet there’s an empty sense of isolation and homelessness. A deep gut-wrenching feeling that there is no one to share your thoughts, deepest fears and joys with. No one to affirm, to listen and to genuinely care that you’re alive. A gnawing revelation that you have no sense of belonging, anywhere, with anyone.
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If you’ve been alive in the last 10-15 years, the gospel of positivity has knocked at your door, especially if you’re living in the 1st-world. People have made crazy money at promoting a message of optimism and positive thinking and virtually turned it into another religion, which the world has way too many already.
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