What You May Not Know About Suicide
My first encounter with suicidal ideation was when I was 11. That’s a bit young, but unfortunately it’s true. I had a typical childhood up till that point. At some point during 5th grade, my buddies (whom I knew for most of my short life), turned on me. I’m not sure why or what happened, but all the guys in my class started to bully me. At the time I didn’t think it was bullying because I thought bullying was violent. I didn’t realize that being ostracized and singled-out for consistent ridicule was also bullying. For the next 3 years, the guys I found friendship, community and sense of belonging became my worst nightmare. Without getting into details, going school became a living hell for me.
Shortly after the group bullying began, I started to digress into self-hatred, depression, major anxiety and panic. I couldn’t figure out what I did to receive such treatment, so I started to blame myself. I thought “I” was the problem. That something was fundamentally wrong with me. The longer I was the target of ridicule, the deeper I sunk into despair, hopelessness and a deep hatred towards who I was. I still to this day don’t understand what happened. I still can’t figure out why I became the focus of so much negative attention.
As you could imagine, it didn’t take long before self-sabotaging behaviors followed. Behaviors that I would do in private. Rituals of sorts that would center around how unloveable, unworthy and fundamentally “other than” I was. And of course this was fueled deep-seated distain for my self. It wasn’t long before the desire to end my life starting burning at the core of my being.
Since that time in life, I have grown to understand more about myself, more about how cruel kids can be and how forgiveness really does set me free. I don’t hold anything towards those kids, because they were just kids. That doesn’t negate the hellish seeds they planted in my psyche, but it does give me compassion and understanding towards them. CONTINUE IN THE COMMENTS
I’ve only experienced that level of suicidal ideation a few other times in my adult life (I will share those experiences after my divorce is complete). But the purpose of this post to help you understand the one thing most people don’t understand about suicide…
True suicidal ideation is not just thinking about wanting to end your life. It’s not just thinking “I would be better off dead,” or “I wish I could die to escape this pain…” Of course those thoughts are there, but it goes much deeper, more fundamental than thoughts. At my worst, suicide was more of intense urge, like a craving to end my self. It’s an unconscious (and sometime conscious) impulse to destruct. It’s an actual temptation, like when you’re tempted to eat that last piece of cake, or look at porn or snap back at your kids. Something deep inside wants to do it and it takes an immense of amount of self-awareness and self-control to not follow that lust to die. That’s why it is so important to surround yourself with people who know you, love you and genuinely care about you. Because when those overwhelming cravings overtake the conscious mind, you need someone to intervene. Some one to interrupt the temptation and the delusion.
With all this said, there is no need to worry about me LOL!
I share all this in hopes to help those who’ve never experienced this and may have the leaning to minimize suicidal ideation. It’s not as easy as “just think about something else…” or “look at how good you have it in life…” Those statements may be well-intended but all they communicate to the other person is, “I don’t see you, I don’t understand you and you’re on your own.”
Remember, ever single person you encounter today has a story. Each individual is carrying some level of pain. While they may not be suicidal, they do have a battle. And if you encounter someone you love that starts to show signs of suicidal behavior, be brave enough to ask, “are you thinking of hurting yourself?” That may be the most loving and courageous question you ever ask. Take off your pretty clothes, the social media images we all create and get in the pit of despair with them. Sit with them. Don’t leave them. Get some grime, dirt and even a little bit of shit on yourself to let the other person know they are worth it. That they matter to you and that life doesn’t have be lived alone.
If you are struggling with suicide on any level and don’t know where to turn, reach out to someone at 800-273-8255 or visit suicidepreventionlifeline.org
You are not alone.
Reach out to me: joey@joeytalks.com