No Regrets

No regrets. It’s a popular phrase. 

People get it tattooed on their body and hang it on their walls, but the longer I’ve lived, the more I hold that phrase with suspicion. Is it humanly possible to live without a single regret? Can we really make choices that are harmful, and at times, downright bad decisions, and not regret them? That’s what’s been rolling around in my mind for a few weeks. Personally, I have regrets and some of them are a very big deal. Regrets that have altered the trajectory of my life. As much as I would like to proclaim that I have no regrets, it’s simply not been my experience. 

I think when people use that phrase, what they’re trying to say is to live your life in such a way that you “right” your “wrongs,” let things go and make the best of every situation, wether it was a good or poor decision. And that I agree with. I think to be a healthy individual, practicing forgiveness, surrender and repentance, are essential to a productive, sane and peaceful person. The problem arises when those goals get confused with not regretting the decision that began a chain-reaction of negative consequences, which cannot be rectified. 

For example, let’s say 20 years ago, you decided to take out student loans to pursue a master’s degree and upon graduating, you are unable to find a job, which leads to financial hardship and then 2020 hits, and you have no other choice but to declare bankruptcy. Another example - one night you had one too many and your friends asked you if you could get an Uber, but instead you insisted on driving, and from that one choice, you ended up in a car accident and harmed another person. Those scenarios leave a lasting impact on your life, and they will not go away. 

I think regret is a healthy emotion. All emotions are symptoms, a warning system to let our conscious mind know that something is out of alignment in our interior life. In fact, the lack of regret is associated with being a sociopath. Something none of us want to be. So, where does that leave us? We all know that regret can lead to significant mental health issues, such as depression, suicidal ideation, anxiety, PTSD and others. This tension between feeling regret and not allowing regret to dictate a lifetime, is something very few know how to deal with. 

In my life I have regrets. Regrets that I cannot change, and if I could make those choices again, I would make different ones. For me, the issue isn’t about regret vs. no regret, because I personally don’t think it’s humanly possible to not have regrets. I think regret becomes unhealthy when it’s allowed to hang around long enough to start translating into shame. Regret says, “that was a bad decision,” whereas shame says, “I am bad.” That subtle difference can either lead down a path of learning from the mistake and working to not make the same decision again or leaving you in a prison of self-accusation, self-hatred and deep depression. The first is a healthy response, while the later is self-destructive. 

So, while it would be nice to live with no regrets, I personally have a few permanent ones, and they’re not going to change. I’ve come to a place in life where I have accepted my regrets for what they are. I’ve learned to maintain an objective standpoint of those choices, tried to make amends where possible and gathered the appropriate information from those decisions, so I don’t make them again. My regrets have become an invaluable teacher of life. A teacher that I would rather befriend than make my enemy.